Venus103

I am addicted to sugar and that sucks. I have been free of sugar since January 6th though so I am finally losing weight again. When you are addicted to food, and believe me the stores know how to grab our attention and throw temptation at us, it can be hard to go shopping. But wow, we have to eat to live, do we not? So, we have to battle the very things that help sustain our lives. I mean, go to the Deli, and you’re assaulted by the bakery. Go to get milk, you’re assaulted with donuts, lol packaged ones here. Have you noticed there is nothing in the alcohol, and soda aisles to distract us from those items. Since I am also an alcoholic I avoid that aisle. I have been sober for three years, and want to keep it that way. On to the food. What greets us at the checkout? CANDYBARS. This time of year they have the Easter Candy, the Reese’s Peanut Butter eggs that I love, and the Cadbury ones. I pass them up!

The hardest part for me about food are the complex carbs, I can eat a whole box of Wheat Thins. Eating a whole box takes the health benefits out of the whole wheat because I can not burn all those calories fast enough. I am addicted to Wheat Thins. Yes, I am powerless over those freakin’ awesome crackers! So, I can’t have them in my house. Whole wheat bread? Same thing, I eat too much! So, I avoid bread too, although I have to have it in my house for my daughter. Lol I call it her bread, which makes it harder for me to eat it. I don’t want to take away from my daughter. Right? Right. As long as I don’t go for that first slice. No, whole wheat bread isn’t bad for a person, but half a loaf at once is. So I get my fiber from black beans, never been tempted to binge on black beans. I also eat oatmeal. I also eat an occasional baked potato. I leave the white flour products alone.

As I said I have been sober for three years, actually more than three now, and I am hardly ever tempted to drink. Although, there are times when I would love to escape into a few bottles of wine. Beer, to me tastes like elephant pee would smell. Ew.

I quit smoking cigarettes over 11 years ago. Thank God! I have no desire at all to smoke! I hate being around someone who is smoking.

Then there is this food addiction that I never quite conquer. I know I can’t do it alone. This is why I am on Buddyslim. I also go to TOPS. I love TOPS, I find it very helpful.I guess I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life. lol If I lose the desire to quit eating I will die…..so I have to eat to live.

As a side note I also think addictions suck because a heroin addiction is sending my 25 year old nephew to prison for two years. They say that heroin is the hardest addiction to fight. It must be because it is destroying a whole bunch of lives! I get angry, because I think darn it what about your kid? I also get selfish and think what about me? I hate seeing my nephew in handcuffs and shackles. I hate to think of him being in prison. But I also hate to think of him dying of an overdose in a alley somewhere. So, I quickly squash the tinge of guilt I felt when they finally picked him up, for being relieved. I know ultimately it is saving his life.

So, I suppose that a heroin addiction is worse than a food one. You don’t get arrested for eating a candybar. Overeating does destroy lives, heroin just does it faster! So, my sollution is to stay away from sugar, white flour, and trigger foods. I will use whatever resources I have to, to handle my addiction to food.

 My nephew? I will write to him and pray for him on a daily basis. I will let him know I love him unconditionally, of that he can be sure of.

After quite a long time of struggling, I am finally having some success. YAY! I have been sugar, and white flour free since January 6th. I am no longer a vegetarian, but I still avoid red meat. The vegetarian diet just wasn’t working for me….

My mom is doing pretty good now. Her last tests were cancer free! Thank you, God! I am so much relieved about that.

My boyfriend has gotten himself in a mess by getting his sixth, yes I said sixth DUI!  So, now we are going to AA meetings, yes I qualify, although I have been sober for 3 years. I made a promise to may daughter I intend to keep.

 So, I am finally doing good.

Imagine your neighbor coming out to you while your talking to another neighbor, and handing you a plate full of delicious smelling homemade peanut butter cookies! Peanut butter cookies are by far my favorite cookie! And homemade? I stood there holding these cookies, offered one to my one neighbor, and did not eat any! Imagine that. Oh I did say thank you. When I came back in the apartment I gave them to Marty, my daughter won’t touch them either. lol She would not even have tortured herself by holding them for ten minutes. So, that was a good thing I did. It’s all Joy’s fault! We are supposed to be on a no refined sugar challenge. lol Actually, it’s all my fault I did not eat any! YAY!

I am better today than I was yesterday. I didn’t give up, I am still here. lol My daughter was a brat yesterday, Marty was an ass, and I just felt so attacked! My daughter is the joy of my life, but yesterday, I wanted to STRANGLE her. lol I turned off my phone and hid from the world for a bit. But here I am, still kicking!

Thanks to everyone for there supportive comments.

I am so tired of this fight. I quit, I am finished. I don’t want to do this anymore. Sorry to all of you that care about me. I just don’t have what it takes anymore.

“No Where To Turn”

No where to turn , no place to hide

I have an awful feeling inside.

Words that hurt my very soul

Have really taken their toll.

I am angry, and tired

My heart is devoured.

Inside me I am screaming

My stomach feeling squeamish.

Outside I seem quiet and calm

My brain aware there reason for alarm.

Things are different for my brain

all of a sudden it has to feel the pain.

Numbing the pain of shame

can’t be done the same.

Part of me wants to live

Something has to give.

Comfort food was told goodbye

somehow I have to try.

Put my hand in yours

We can take this tour.

I know you understand

Which is why I give you my hand.

Lydia Carson

9/12/10 

My daughter woke me up and said, “Take me to the library.” I groaned because I couldn’t sleep last night so after I had gone to bed, I gave up a couple of hours later, and got back up. Normally I would be thrilled about the library, it is one of my favorite places. Needless to say, since I am such a great mom, (lol), I took her. When we were getting ready to leave I thought of Panera’s. I love to go there and chill and read for a bit. I am low on money though. So on my way to the car I was thinking, We can’t go there, because neither one of us drink pop. We are caffeine free as well, so we couldn’t get coffee, decaf doesn’t get it for me. Couldn’t get a muffin because we are both sugar free. So we didn’t go. But I love Panera’s! I just have to wait until I have enough money to get us something healthy to eat. So, I made it through another milestone. Instant gratification isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Getting to do what I want to do all the time never really happens, lol I think this is one reason I turn to food. It may become boring to you all, but I am going to talk about being sugar free, and caffeine free until I bore myself. lol

Yes, I did! I have gotten through my first day with no refined sugar! I even found a sugar free, and flour free bread! Totally awesome! I am so glad I don’t drink pop anymore, because now it is more affordable to eat healthier! Oh the bread is made by Food for Life, or Ezekial Brands. You buy it frozen because there are NO preservatives! Great stuff!

I know I have gained weight, I can feel it! Sucks. Oh well, just got to go on. So, I am going to let go of sugar. It sugar isn’t listed fifth or lower, I am not going to eat it. Beating myself up is not going to do any good. I also know I am retaining fluid, guess I will see what that’s about when I go to the doctor on the 16th.

As I knew it would be, it was a day of running around. So, I am real tired. I won’t find myself staying up late tonight! On a positive note, when I was at my mom’s she poured my an iced cold glass of Coke Zero……and I turned it down. On a bad note, I had another piece of flipping cake! I really gotta stop that!