Venus103

I know I can write. It is one of my talents. At least this is what my teachers always said. I do keep a journal at home, sometimes. I have a hard time writing on here though. maybe is is because people can see it. I keep a food journal too, but I do not like posting it. I do not know why except I can’t always afford to eat healthy foods, and then I feel bad. So I am going to write it down. My food everyday, at least at home. My daughter hogs the computer sometimes. lol A lot of times. But I have the daytime while she is at school. Now I need to rescue a friend because she is out of gas.

I am wearing jeans for the first time in forever! lol One of my best friends talked me into trying on a pair. I was reluctant. I always had to to to the fat lady stores to get my jeans. And the last time they said they only carried my size online. I was so embarrassed. Anyway, my friend talked me into it. I tried on a pair 22’s and they fit but are kind of baggy in the legs. Well she bought them for me. I cried.  We were not at the fat ladies store, although we were in plus sizes. Then today my boyfriend took me and told me to try 20’s, I did, and they fit a little snugger, but feel better in the legs. Wow, I now have two pair of jeans. See, my boyfriend can be nice sometimes. lol Now I have jeans that I can wear to the Fall Rally for TOPS next week. YAY I don’t have to wear my baggy pants. hehe

I think I am only one or two sizes above the normal size jeans, I hope to be in the regular department by the end of next year! That would be way cool. They charge less for those clothes.

I came to a realization the other day that totally shocked me.  I was in “trouble” again for going to the gym.  For some reason, it really bugs my boyfriend when I go. It is an all girl gym, so it isn’t because he is jealous.  He just doesn’t like that I am changing.  Anyway, my response to him was that I matter to me. It doesn’t so much matter whether anyone else cares about me, I do!  The fact that I matter totally shocked me. I thought wow, Lydia you are serious! And I am. I matter, so I refuse to go on those guilt trips. I am no longer going to feel guilty for taking care of myself!  So the “Guilt” Travel agents in my life can just leave me alone. I am no longer a customer of theirs! I am my own customer. I will go to the gym when I want to, and if I don’t want to go to a certain restuarant, I will not go. Bye Bye Guilt!

Now this isn’t to say I do not need people in my life that are supportive of me and my endeavor to lose weight, and get healthy. I do need support. But if you are not supportive, I do not need you. People change, life changes, you have to go with the flow!

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed chaperoning for my daughter’s class when they went to the Cincinnati Nature Center. When I think about it last year at this time I never even would have volunteered because I knew I would not have been able to keep up. I knew I would have been so embarassed, along with my daughter.

 Well keep up I did! And I had a great time. I am so glad that I had decided to lose weight. I am glad that I had decided to start working out. Especially the walking. I can walk now. The only place I used to walk to was my car, right outside my door. I wish I knew how to post pictures on here….but I don’t.

I am fifty one years old. My daughter is 12, and perfectly mature and able enough to either go workout with me or stay home. So why in sam hill should I get in “trouble” for going to the spa/gym? Well I was called selfish today, that I only wanted to do what I wanted to do. This comes from my boyfriend who is or was sleeping when I got back home. Well lets see. What happens if I quit going? I gain back more weight, my body will get back to where it can’t move without pain. I won’t be able to take care of personal needs too easily again. SO even if I don’t go it would be so much more fun to sit and watch him sleep off his night of drinking, with the TV on some out of state sports game. UGH!

He asks me why I do it, if I have to ice my knee or foot when I come home. I so just want to say it is better than doing contortions in the bathroom trying to wipe my butt!

The fact is I like it. I like the challenge of it. When I first stated going to the gym  could only do the water aerobics, I was lucky to be able to last the six minute warm up on the treadmill. But now I can do an hour. I am not using inclines right now because of my knee but I am working up  a sweat and keeping my heart rate up. Plus every mile I walk gets the Breast Cancer Foundation a dime. So why not?

So I will continue to go to the gym, and I don’t really care who doesn’t like it. I am the only one living in my body. I am the one that knows what all this extra fat feels like. Yeah I am 51, but I am really not ready to go get a wheel chair and wait for my like to be over because of this FREAKING obesitity crap!

I got so mad today, I ranted like a lunatic! Don’t even yell at me for trying to take care of myself! Because that’s really all I want to do. I don’t want it to be that my daughter will be torn between living her life, going to school, and having to take care of an invalid mother.

That is what this desease of obesitity does. It destroys a person inside and out. It diminishes your life. It takes away your zest for living. I wonder how many death certificates say the cause of death is from being obese?

And then when this dying person finds a new lease on life and suddenly cares and wants to live, the others around her get mad. They don’t like change.  But the fact is an obese person like myself has to change in order to succeed. I really wish I could make ppl understand that for me it isn’t about looking good. It is about feeling good. It is about living good! Right now I don’t give a rats butt if my clothes look big and sloppy, if I can sit in a booth without wondering if I am gonna have to call 911 to get me out of it. If I can go to a public restroom and fit in I will be glad. Have you ever had to sit on the toilet so you could shut the door because you were in the way? I have! It is embarrassing!

So tell me how in sam hill am I being selfish if I take a couple of hours and go to the gym?

I have been working out a lot! I haven’t really eaten a lot of bad foods…..And I gain 3 three lbs! They tell me at the gym it is muscle weight. Well isn’t muscle supposed to burn fat?  So I am struggling….but I am not giving up! I am still gonna work out. Sooner or later something will have to give!

I wish there was a magic pill I could take and wake up thin! But there isn’t one.  I for one am sick and tired of having other people get rich off of my obesity. I don’t even have any money to give them bloodsuckers. I have to do what everybody knows you have to do. I have to cut and burn! I hate hate HATE to count calories. When I did, I realized that there are way too many calories in fries to make them worth even eating! I still hate counting calories.  But maybe I will get to liking it. I like to exercise now. Miracles do occur. lol There just doesn’t seem to be a weight loss miracle for me.

Oh and I want results now today, yesterday even. Well I didn’t get this way overnight, so why should I think I can lose it all overnight?

Oh and just for the record I have no clue what the HCG diet is. But I know what eating healthy is, I know what exercise is. I know what a support group is. I know what it is like to think I worked my butt off only to see that it is still there. But I know in my heart of heart there is no magic pill, magic powder, magic anything.  I know what support from my friends is. Inspiration plus motivation plus reaching out is my formula for success.

I posted my before and after pictures and when I look at them side by side I can really see my 56 lbs weight loss.  I think it is odd how we can’t really perceive what we look like from inside our own bodies. lol So now when I start to get that hugh feeling I will look at those pictures and think yeah but not as hugh. Obesity has many levels in its cunningness. It can make us feel really bad about ourselves when actually if we are making progress we should be grateful! It can destroy our lives, but I am reclaiming mine. Lol I can even take a bath easier. I love to soak in a hot bath. But getting in and out had gotten hard. Now it is easy again. Sometimes I need to look at the small rewards to get to the bigger one. lol I am going to kick obesity’s butt!  My before picture was taken on Christmas day of 2008, this Christmas I will have another one taken and we will see the difference. Cuz this chick ain’t quitting, no matter what!

Learning how to act without relying on food to bury feelings can be difficult.  I was really angry yesterday, basically because I was feeling bad, and my boyfriend was being a jerk. First let me say he is not used to me sticking up for myself! Well….he is getting used to it. Crash course. Of course this just makes me a Bitch according to him lol Yep the Alpha one is what I say. lol

I have been taught somehow that my feelings did not count through out my life. Well they do. When a person can’t feel their own feelings they have no recourse but to shut down. Stuff their feelings with food or do other self destructive behaviors. Then comes the day hopefully when the signal reaches the brain the one that wants to survive, and it says enough!

So I am sorry if I am a bitch for saying how I feel about something. I am sorry if I am not what ppl want me to be. I am trying to figure out what I want to be. lol When I figure that out ppl will know. What I don’t want to be is a person who numbs herself with food, and kills herself on a daily basis, just to keep peace.

Don’t really know what that was about, but there you have it. I know what I want is to be a person who can feel and be real. I just need to be allowed to be real!

First let me say that I feel better today. I read Little Flower’s blog and got an attitude adjustment. I like how she focuses on what she can do instead of what she can’t. So I have decided to focus on what I can do. First I can be, and am very grateful to have lost 55 lbs. I am extremely grateful to be able to take care of my own personal needs, which had been getting difficult! I am grateful to be able to stand up without my knees screaming at me! I am grateful to be able to use the machines at the gym, because at first I couldn’t. I am grateful that I, me, I, can and do walk two miles at a time! ( But oh my foot truly does hurt!) I can’t help but believe the pain will get better the more I lose.

 I am grateful that I allowed myself to feel the pain of my depression instead of stuffing my feelings. I did not numb my brain with bingeing.  anyone who has ever been an emotional eater knows the pain of a binge!

 So it is a new day, new beginning. I walked two miles at home, rode the bike at the gym for over 4 miles, and I did the machines. I did not have time to use the treadmill because I was running late. I do feel good about what I accomplished.

I need to go to the store so I can get healthier food, but I did ok today. I had oatmeal for breakfast, with 8 ozs of apple juice. For lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich, unfortunately it was on white bread. I also had a cup of green beans. For dinner I had a 3 oz hamburger, again the darn white bread, a half cup of corn, and one cup of spinach. I need to get some fruit. I also need to get some whole wheat bread.

Exercise Log